Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. So the results are in…kinda. Last we spoke I mentioned a contest to decide which of us ambassadors was cutest as a youth. Technically the winner was Ishy, but with a big asterisk next to her name. You see I’m pretty sure some shenanigans occurred during the voting. Why do I think this??? Frankly cause I didn’t win and it’s obvious I was the cutest. I will admit my baby picture was taken at the the institute of cytology and genetics, and while they may be fine geneticists, they are most definitely not fine photographers…but I still should have won.
I believe there was a plot by some of the other ambassadors to suppress the vote for me and support it for Ishy. I did hear Panda say if I win my head will get so big it will be assigned it’s own zip code. I think some of the others got in touch with a Bolivian hacking group they learned about on the dark web. These unscrupulous characters have a back door into the Meta servers which they used to alter they results of the voting. Granted I have no proof of any of this but given the circumstances this explanation seems the most likely.
Despite the contested nature of the results, I will honor my pledge and have Ishy on my chat. Hi Ishy. Hi Vlad. How do you feel about winning this contest due to potential fraud Ishy. I feel great Vlad, because everybody knows I am the cutest and they know you are crazy. I just call it like I see it Ishy. As do I Vlad. I think we will just need to agree to disagree on this Ishy. Sure Vladdy, but I see no point in participating in your chat given your issues, see ya Vlad. Unbelievable Ishy.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - October 20, 2023
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. You may recall my last chat on the importance of play included a picture of a young #dorkwolf doing just that. Well as innocuous as that sounds, that picture has caused quite a kerfuffle around her. It started with Panda mentioning she saw my post and while Lucan was cute as a puppy, he was no where near as cute as she was. Then Lena chimed in and proclaimed she was the cutest. Ishy then said it is well known that she was the cutest of the bunch. Of course Panda couldn’t let that go unchallenged and said “Ishy, I think you’re mistaking cute for psycho. I’m sure you can all see where this went from there. It went from bad to worse with insults and innuendo being readily exchanged. At one point Sergei actually told Lena that her mama was so ugly that when she puts her pictures on Facebook they get flagged as harmful content. Now this was not the most reasoned insult as Sergei and Lena are full siblings.
The thing is, after a very busy spring and summer of bringing in new residents, it is finally slowing down a bit. They say idle minds are the devil’s workshop and around her that translates into someone bringing the drama llama out of its stable to just cause a ruckus and create some effervescence.
Of course this whole hullabaloo is quite pointless as truth be told I was by far the cutest kit the world has been privileged to cast its eyes upon. But just to satisfy the others I will post pictures of us ambassadors as young’uns and you can verify what we all already know. The winner will be featured on my next chat.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - October 6, 2023
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. Today I wanted to talk to my fans about the importance of play. Everybody knows when we’re young we play all the time, but just because we get a bit older does not mean we need to stop. I mean look at me. I am a mature fox with the weight of the world on my shoulders but when I see the rings, I drop everything and give them a good chew…And then give them a toss in hopes of hitting someone.
Young canids often play to practice skills they will need to perfect in order to survive in the wild. For instance, when young #dorkwolf was playing, he was preparing for the day he would need to take down a caribou. As fate would have it, he will never need to take down a caribou but he still uses those skills to take down anyone brave enough to enter the octagon with him, and he has loads of fun doing it.
Now Yuri has his own idea of fun. I’m sure you have all heard of bobbing for apples. Well, Yuri puts a slight twist to it and engages in bobbing for bear claws. Yuri, being no rocket scientist, fails to take into account that once the bear claws hit the water they lose all integrity and transmogrify into a soggy bloated gooey sludge. There really isn’t much to bob for at this point as the contents of the bucket become like a big bear claw smoothie. Needless to say, this is a solitary activity for Yuri, but as long as he has fun that is all that matters.
Laika also has her favorite way to play. Her toy of choice is a wadded up piece of fire hose. We all think it’s because she is a real hot head. She can gnaw on this thing for hours and you better not try to take it away from her or else you’ll see the fire breathing dragon she can be.
Of course It is well know that Viktor has a love affair with pink pigs. Why pink pigs you ask…we really don’t know, but we do know the pig needs to be pink. Any other color just won’t do.
So what I am saying is no matter what your age and how busy you are, always make sure you leave time to play. I would however strongly recommend you stay away from anything involving bear claw smoothies.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - September 22, 2023
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. As you all know, in the last couple of months JABCECC has taken in 7 new residents. With all these additional mouths to feed, us ambassadors called an emergency staff meeting to brain storm about ways to bring in much needed funds.
The meeting was called to order and a quorum was determined to be present. A motion was made to skip the reading of the minutes and a gag order was proposed to prevent Yuri from taking up valuable time discussing breakfast pastries. The motion was passed with the only nay vote coming from Yuri, who said he would fight…for his right…to pastry.
I addressed my fellow ambassadors and told them it was important for us to come up with innovative ways to obtain donations if we expect to continue to get our favorite treats. I then opened the floor to suggestions. One of our newest foxes, Clara, chimed in and said after she was rescued off the fur farm, they drove by a county fair and she saw a kissing booth that seemed quite popular. Everyone liked her suggestion and the only question that remained was which one of us would do the kissing. After some intense discussions we all coalesced around the idea that it needed to be the #dorkwolf, Lucan.
This decision did not come without problems..the foremost being the boy’s breath. Us foxes, being quite clever, came up with ways to turn the malodorous fumes emanating from his maw into a money making opportunity. We figured our best bet was to turn the kissing experience into a challenge. I mean if people are willing to eat Tide pods, they can surely be convinced they want to kiss a stinky wolf. For $2, Lucan will pucker up for you, but we also have the add on “survival kit” for $20. The kit includes two boxes of wintergreen Tik Tacs, a super sized bottle of Binaca , some Pepto Bismol and a commemorative “I kissed a #dorkwolf and I liked it” t shirt. Just as we were starting to think we had a winning business proposition, Sergei ask to be recognized. The words that came from his mouth took the wind right out of our sails. He said “ have you considered how often and enthusiastically Lucan licks his butt?” We all agreed this “visual” could affect the revenue generating potential of the kissing booth. Ideas were exchanged, but after we excluded strategically applied Tabasco sauce, for ethical and logistical reasons, a sub committee was formed to further examine the problem.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - September 8, 2023
Friday Chat w/Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. Have you ever had one of those days when everyone around you just exceeds your expectations in every imaginable way? A day where others seem to be able to read your mind in regards to what you need at that particular moment and promptly fulfill all your wishes. Where everyone is on the same page and working together in perfect harmony, striving to achieve the same goals..Have you had a day like that?? Me neither. Now if you were to ask me if I have had a day where everyone fails miserably in meeting my expectations, are so caught up in their own mundane issues they are unable to anticipate my most basic wants, and are so out of synch with me, it’s as though I am on page 942 of “War and Peace” and everyone else is having trouble getting by page 2 of “ I Eat Poop…A Dung Beatle’s Story”…If you asked that I would say welcome to my life.
As you may know, in the last month we have welcomed 7 new residents to JABCECC. Is hard enough getting 1 new rescue initiated and up to speed on their responsibilities here, but 7 has brought me to my wits end. You’d think the others would see me running around like a gazelle in the cheetah house and up their game a bit, but it turns out their game is to sit on their rears and let Vlad handle it all. During a quick look around, I saw Panda chewing on her toenails, Yuri searching for bear claw crumbs, Lena trying to convince Sergei to spin around until he falls down, Sasha pretending to be a Llama, Laika talking about if you should tell an introverted turtle to come out of its shell, and lastly Dimitri and Vasily brainstorming on what to call their autumn corn maze…the lead contenders are the Maize maze and the Cornundrum. None of this does an iota of good in getting 7 anxious residents settled in. The only saving grace is that I am such a remarkable specimen I will handle it all and no one will see me sweat. Such is the burden I bear on a daily basis around here, and I ask so little in return. Just everyone’s complete loyalty and unquestioned servitude, acknowledgment of my unbridled humility and a kidney should the need ever arise.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - August 25, 2023
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. Greetings Vladiators. Last night our new residents from Wild Wonders in Utah showed up. I have not had a chance to meet all of them yet but I did briefly speak wit Nic. He was still getting settled in and I did not want to take up too much of his time, so I just gave him a quick tutorial of the rules at JABCECC. He can take his written exam at a later date.
Management has already given him a nickname…Fabio. For my younger fans who have not heard of Fabio, he was a fashion model and cultural icon in the early 90’s known for his flowing locks. Now I must admit there is an uncanny resemblance between the two. I have included a picture of both of them so you can see for yourself.
The plan is for Nic/Fabio to hang out with Vinnie. She is a resident that was rescued off a fur farm. Vinnie used to be ok with us Belyaev foxes, but suddenly decided she was going to spend all her time screaming at us, at which point she had to be housed separately. This occurred not a minute too soon, as Laika was fed up with her. This is never good for anyone because, in my opinion, Laika has rage issues. At any rate, hopefully Vinnie and Nic will get along great.
We have been informed that some of these new guys are kind of divas…FYI, this list included Nic. We really don’t tolerate that kind of behavior here. Everybody knows no one is better than anyone else, myself excluded of course. If Nic tries to pull that diva stuff on Vinnie he may be in for a rude awakening.
I will be sure to get Nic and the others on my chat as soon as they pass all their tests, sign the standard non disclosure documents and profess loyalty to their new leader…me.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - August 11, 2023
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. So the dog days of summer are upon us. All of us foxes at JABCECC are sporting our summer coats. Sometimes when people first see us in these coats, they think something is wrong with us because we look so trim.
The fact is, foxes are naturally very trim animals…of course this does not apply to Yuri as there is something very…unnatural about that boy. Our winter coats being so thick, make us look much bigger than we really are. Our true physiques only become evident in the rare circumstances when we need to get a bath. The term drowned rat doesn’t capture all the nuances of our appearance in this situation, but needless to see it is not a great look for us. Of course we make darned sure whoever is doing the bathing gets to know what shampoo tastes like. Thankfully, since I perpetually smell like lotus blossoms, sandalwood, and a delightful hint of skunk butt, I have never needed a bath.
Red fox’s summer and winter coats stay essentially the same color year round, whereas arctic foxes can have dramatic color changes. You may have seen our new resident arctic fox Sakari. She has large areas that are black, but come winter she will be white as the driven snow.
Speaking of Sakari, have you seen the video of the way she was treated by people on the fur farm? It makes my blood boil. I come from a line of foxes that has been selectively bred for over 60 years to love people, but when I watch that video, I can’t say I’m feeling all that warm and fuzzy about humans. Foxes however are very resilient. Sakari will put her past behind her and will come to enjoy her present and since her present includes being in my presence how could she not cherish every day. While it might take some time and patience, she may even begin to appreciate some of the finer things in life…like belly rubs.
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - August 4, 2023
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. Happy Friday my friends. I gotta tell you I am fairly exhausted today. Many of you may know we have several new rescues that will be showing up at the center over the next few weeks. I can’t wait to meet them and make sure they understand my importance around here. As you can imagine, bringing in new residents puts a large demand on my time and energy.
But to make matters worse, Yuri comes to me in the middle of the night and wants to talk. It turns that his fan club, the Yurithras is not taking off and he’s pretty pissed off about. So far the only interest he has gotten is from the Mississippi chamber of commerce, to use the saying “Yuri, puts the pee in Mississippi, as well as from a few members belonging to the International brotherhood of fox loving urologists. I tried to cheer him up so I told him he had a lot to offer and his fan club not being successful was just a wee matter, but I don’t think he was listening as my words just whizzed by his head. I told him if he wanted his club to succeed he needed to get out there and promote it, he couldn’t just piddle around and expect results. I then went on to say whatever he had done in the past is just water under the bridge and he needed to relieve himself of that burden. It was at that point that I think Yuri really heard me and understood because his posture changed and you could almost hear the tinkle of bells going off in his head. He then got up and excused himself and headed for the lavatory.
This is not an uncommon scenario for me and I get it. I’m a pretty big deal so of course those around me feel insignificant. I just keep telling them, “even though I am better then you…you just be the best you”. I think hearing this gives everyone great comfort.
I’m going to hit the head now and then take a nap.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - July 21, 2023
Friday Chat w/Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. Well, we’re in build mode again. Over the next few weeks we have several new residents coming to the center so we are all working diligently to get their habitats set up. Now I say “all working diligently” as to not hurt anyone’s feelings cause truth be told, we do have a few slackers in our midst. I won’t call anyone out by name, but I will say while everyone was out digging holes, I saw Viktor watching the real housewives of Beverly Hills on Bravo .
The first group to come here were rescued from a fur farm by some kind people. Why such places still exist I cannot fathom. The second group worked as ambassadors for many years, and are now ready to retire to sunny California. An area is being created just for them and we are brainstorming to come up with an appropriate retirement community name for it. I came up with Fox Hollow which is great as I have the best brain.
In the middle of all this activity we were contacted about giving a home to a baby coyote. Unfortunately there are exotic breeders out there who produce animals like this and convince people they are the perfect pet. They are not! Be it foxes, wolves, coyotes,singing dogs, or other exotic canids, the vast majority of people will rue the day they decided to bring one of these into their home. I mean come on, I’m a domesticated fox but do I seem like the perfect pet? Newsflash, I poop and pee when and where I want, and then expect you to pick it up, and perhaps I’ve even rolled in it. I will eat your Prada boots as an appetizer before chewing on your couch. I will demand room service everyday to bring me my meals, and just might pee in the bowl if it’s not exactly right. And forgot about me doing anything you want me to. I may even do the exact opposite to make a point. When you think about it, if there is a “pet” relationship here, one must examine who the pet really is. But if humans decide to be MY companion animal that’s their business and I will not stop them. They can provide for my every need, and in return, they can bask in my greatness.
Ok, got to get back on the tractor to dig more holes. The foreman’s work is never done.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - July 7, 2023
Friday Chat w/Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. I hope all my U.S. based Vladiators had a wonderful Independence Day. It seems like a perfect time to express thanks that I was able to immigrate to America 🇺🇸. The land where you are free to point out all the idiots that surround you, and never end up in the gulag.
Recently, it’s been brought to my attention that I haven’t replied to my fan mail in quite some time. I’m sure you all understand what a busy guy I am, but nonetheless it’s important for me to let my countless fans know they are always on my mind. So let’s get right to it.
Our first letter is from Cindy in Vidalia Georgia.
“Hi Darlin. Let me start by saying you just might be sweeter than my great aunt Delilah’s brown sugar peach cake. As you surely know Vlad, Vidalia is the home of world famous sweet onions, and seeing as you are so sweet, l reckon you would be the perfect grand marshall for our annual onion festival and street dance. Whatdaya say honey bun? I’ll save a slow dance for ya.”
As enticing as that sounds Cindy, I will regrettably need to decline. Onions are toxic to canids because they damage our red blood cells. This is truly most unfortunate, as I am an excellent dancer.
Next we’ll hear from Kyle from Middleofnowhere North Dakota. “Hi Vlad, I love foxes and all the other canids there like wolves, coyotes, dingoes and jackals, but I’m wondering if there is any chance you might ever rescue my favorite animal…a coelacanth?? They are just so cute and cuddly with their three lobed caudal fin. You up for a primitive fish Vlad? “
Kyle, coelacanths really don’t show up in need of rescue. For the last 400+ million years they seem to have been doing just fine without human companionship, sorry.
Lastly we have Sue from Ding Dong TX. “ Hi Mr. Vlad, We are presently hosting an exchange student from the Czech Republic. He recently got himself in a bit of trouble and needs to hideout for a bit. I have read foxes have a behavior called cacheing, where they hide stuff. Can you help us?”
Hi Sue, Sounds bad, and would love to help, but I don’t feel comfortable cacheing your Czech.
Vlad out.