Fridays Chat w/Vlad - March 8, 2024

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. We were assigning chores yesterday and I drew the short straw so I got the one task that no one wants…Yep, you guessed it, I got doody duty. Now I know what you’re all thinking…a fox with your unlimited talents should not be wasting his valuable time cleaning up the excrement of his underlings. While that it true, I really don’t mind. You see when the others view me performing a task that is so clearly beneath me, it creates the illusion that I am no better than them. It also shows my humility, cause every one knows I ooze humility like an infected cyst oozes purulent material. To be an effective leader, it is important for your followers to see you “roll up your sleeves” and do the work of the common man…or in this case the common fox, even if that work is scooping scat. I really need to consider running some workshops on leadership.

I will tell you, one does learn a lot about your bunk mates by performing this duty. Take Lena for instance…everyone’s sweetheart. I went to work on her poo pile and I briefly thought someone had let an anaconda into our enclosure. I’m sure you can all guess what cleaning up after Yuri is like, a fox with a diet that consists largely of pastries. And then there’s my archnemesis, cute little Panda. For all you Freudians out there, I would categorize her as anal expulsive. As far as Panda’s personality this means she exhibits cruelty, emotional outbursts, disorganization, self-confidence, rebelliousness and general carelessness. As far as being her janitor this means, I think I need a bigger pooper scooper. Thankfully I’m only responsible for tidying up after us foxes. If I had to venture down to clean up after everyone’s favorite #dorkwolf Lucan, it would require heavy equipment.

Lesson for the day. When life gives you a pile of poop, you’re gonna get dirty—so you may as well roll with it.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - February 9, 2024

Hey, it’s Vlad. Well it happened. I was told by management that I need to become more sensitive. This is of course preposterous, as can be seen from the pictures I posted. After some intense negotiations, it was decided that they would not send me away for sensitivity training but rather they would bring in a personal sensitivity coach.

I met this coach yesterday, his name is Mr. Daniel Druff. Ok…so they get me a coach named Dan Druff, and they expect me to be sensitive about it. Are they just setting me up to fail? How could I NOT say something like, “my new coach was 10 minutes late for our appointment, I think he’s a bit flaky”. Anyway, I meet this guy and he is just way too positive. He greets me by saying “he hopes I’m having a spectacular day and then asks me if I know why management wanted him to meet with me”. I said “I didn’t know, their decision has left me scratching my head”. I think that statement went right over his head & shoulders cause he just kept talking.

Mr. Dan Druff then tells me he’s been told I don’t validate what others feel, and he has some “superdupper” tips to help me be more sensitive.

I asked Mr. Druff if he had any idea about my countless responsibilities. I told him about the large number of foxes that live awful lives and die heinous deaths on fur farms around the world. The coyotes that fall victim to cruel killing contests. Wolves that are slaughtered on account of an ethos, in some communities, that views them as evil beings that need to be eradicated from this planet. And don’t get me started about the millions of domesticated dogs that are killed because no one wants them. So I asked Mr. Dan Druff if he had any idea what it’s like to have that burden fall on your shoulders?? He then tells me what I described is horrendous and I’m clearly highly sensitive to take on that burden. He goes on to say I just hide it under my snarky exterior. I tell him poppycock, I’m an open book and hide nothing. At that point Dan Druff says “we have a lot of work to do Mr. Vlad” and walks away shaking his head vigorously…Winter storm alert.

Vlad (Mr. Sensitivity) out

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - February 23, 2024

Hey, it’s Vlad. Or should I say “Hey, it’s Mr. Sensitivity”. I was just hanging out with Yuri, practicing some things I was taught by my sensitivity coach. Yuri is great to practice with because you can pretty much guarantee he will quickly say or do something that will give me a strong urge to act in a manner that some would deem as insensitive.

True to form, Yuri and I weren’t together for more then 2 minutes when he thought he picked up the sent of a glazed cruller. He started walking towards the scent, seemingly in a bit of a trance, and sure enough he walked right of the edge. He landed on the ground with a thud that probably registered on the Richter scale.

Now I could of said something like “way to go pound cake…good thing the junk in your trunk is like your own personal airbag”…but I didn’t. My coach would suggest such a statement would be insensitive towards Yuri. He has told me multiple times that I should express myself in terms of my feelings, as feeling aren’t right or wrong, they just are. My coach would want me to say something like, “I feel you should be more careful Yuri, and I’m glad you didn’t hurt yourself but I feel you’re food choices are harmful ”. Did I say that?? No, I’m Vlad, I’m not a trained monkey. What did I say you ask? “I feel way to go pound cake…I feel it’s a good thing the junk in your trunk is like your own personal airbag”. As you can plainly see, I am really getting a hang of this sensitivity thing.

Of course the are a “few bridges too far” that my coach expects me to take. For instance, he tells me that if I say to Panda, “I refuse to have a battle of wits with you because you appear to be unarmed” but then if she appears upset by my comment say, “suck it up buttercup”, it’s not being sensitive. That’s just ludicrous. Everybody knows saying “suck it up buttercup” is like a get out of jail free card. It shows that my verbal zinger exposed someone feeling mentally weak and I’m concerned enough to offer them I solution…suck it up. Truthfully, I think I have outgrown my coach and am ready to teach sensitivity myself.

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - January 26, 2024

An important announcement from Vlad.

You will notice I am experimenting with a different format for today’s Chat. This is because I had a lot to say about today’s topic. I reached out to Mr. Mark Zuckerberg to ask him to increase instagram’s 2200 character limit for my account, but shockingly I have not heard from him. I did mention that if he denies my request he should not be surprised to find some 💩 on his keyboard.

(Text from post screenshots below, original post can be found here)

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it's Vlad. So guess where I spent yesterday afternoon. Yep, you guessed it, I was mandatorily invited to spend some time at the JABCECC HR department in order to meet with the good folks there, but it's ok, I get along swimmingly with everyone here.

They always look forward to my visits. This place is really like a second home to me. Frankly, I still have no idea why Human Resources has any jurisdiction over me...a fox. Perhaps we need an Ambassador Resources dept. It is just quite a shame that I have to continually waste my valuable time justifying my actions to some well meaning pencil pushers, but so be it. Here is how I found myself in this predicament.

Yesterday, after spending the better part of the day planning new programs and construction projects for 2024, I adjourned to to my quarters for a short siesta. All this mental activity really takes it out of me. I mean an Arctic Fox villa doesn't just plan itself...by the way, a shout out to Arctic Fox hair color for helping to fund the Villa. Freddy and Sakari can't wait to call it home.

Anyway, before laying down, I decided to treat myself with a drink of some of my favorite bottled water, Legend Baikal. It comes from Lake Baikal which is located in Siberia, where I was born.

This lake is truly massive, containing 22% of the worlds fresh water. You really can't just have one bowl of this delightful elixir, so before I knew it I polished off the whole bottle. It was at this point my bladder informed my brain that I needed to dump some apple juice if you know what I mean. It was a real pee-mergency. So I made my way outside to a little hole I have dug for this purpose and preceded to drain the lizard. Suddenly, to my horror, I noticed my liquid gold was not going in the hole but splashing back onto my gorgeous fur. I nearly pulled a groin muscle trying to quickly shut down the flow. Upon closer examination I found someone had painstakingly stretched plastic wrap over my hole. It was then when I heard a noise that sounded like a laughing hyena choking on a turkey bone coming from over my left shoulder. I turned around and saw Panda, on her back, stubby little legs waving in the air, laughing so hard she could barely catch a breath.

My anger welled up like the rising tide. This heinous act would not go unanswered... Panda must pay. I started charging at Panda, picking up speed with every stride. I could see the fear in Panda's eyes and she did the only thing she could do...she hid behind Yuri.

Now Yuri is quite a portly chap, likely due to his preferred diet of bear claws and jelly donuts. Yuri, hereinafter referred to by multiple monikers that reference his girthiness, outweighs me by at least 70%.

The Institute of Cytology and Genetics, where I grew up, is located on a campus with multiple academic facilities. Right next door was the Novosibirsk Institute of Applied Physics and Refrigerator Repair. I spent many afternoons there hearing about nuclear fusionand ice makers. I have never forgotten the things I learned from those lectures. A few weeks back, when our refrigerator broke after receiving 80 lbs of chicken quarters, everyone was shocked and delighted when I quickly diagnosed the problem as a sticky expander valve and was able to fix it with a spanner wrench and a small bottle of 3 in 1 oil.

The reason I mentioned this is, as I was charging at Panda, who was now behind "Chunky Monkey" and a collision would soon be inevitable, I recalled an applied physics lecture I heard on the conservation of momentum. This can be described by equation mivli + m2v2i = mivlf + m2v2f. This means, in the event of a collision, my initial mass times my initial velocity, plus, "Mr.

Waddles" initial mass times his initial velocity, needs to equal my mass times my velocity post collision, plus, "Butterball's" post collision mass times velocity. Now, we will assume our masses would not change, although in reality there is a high probability that the collision would cause us both to void our bowels, which would indeed reduce our masses, but by a negligible amount. In order for momentum to be conserved, any change in either of our velocities post collision, would require the sum of each of our respective momentums (m times v) to remain the same.

There are two ways this impact could go down. If "Gigantor" lifted his legs just before contact, and in doing so, decoupled himself from the ground, his effective mass while larger than mine would not be insanely larger. In this scenario, much of my kinetic energy would be transferred to the "Dough Boy" and he would accelerate in my pre collision direction of motion. He would now have a non zero velocity and would consequently have momentum. This would likely require my direction of motion to reverse in order for the sum of our momentums to remain unchanged. It's important to point out that momentum is a vector quantity having both magnitude and direction. My kinetic energy, which is a scalar quantity with only magnitude, is related to my velocity by the equation 1/2 mv^2. Since much of my kinetic energy would be given to "Meatloaf, my velocity would therefore be greatly reduced. I could suffer bodily harm in multiple ways given this course of events.

My change in velocity would occur in a short period of time requiring a rapid deceleration (vf-vitat). This would generate a high force as shown by the equation F=ma. This force would surely be sufficient to cause me significant discomfort. As I accelerated backwards to a velocity less than my initial speed but definitely non zero, it's conceivable I would fall back into my keister and receive a nasty contusion.

The other, and more likely way this could go down is "Jabba" could keep his feet firmly planted on the ground. Due to being gravitationally advantaged "Biggie, Biggie, Biggie" would remain firmly coupled to the ground creating a ginormous effective mass. On impact his velocity would increase by the tiniest amount but due to his huge effective mass he would have a large amount of momentum. Therefore, in order to balance the total momentum, I would need to accelerate in the opposite direction that I was moving pre impact. However this time due to "Blimpy's" significant momentum, the magnitude of my velocity would be nearly the same as it was initially and consequently my kinetic energy would be high. In layman's terms this all means, I would bounce off that belly full of jelly and be catapulted away at high speed, possibly breaking a hip upon landing. Neither of these outcomes were particularly appealing to me, so I put on the brakes.

Now before I go further, I know what you all are thinking. You're thinking that without knowing the exact elastic properties of foxes there is no way I could determine the results of a collision. To that I say surely you jest... Yes, I am remarkable.

My hard braking maneuver was successful in that I did not collide with "Chubba Bubba", but I did end up with some road rash on my foot pads, which only intensified my anger. I could not see Panda, as she was being eclipsed by the "voluminous one", but I knew she was there from her distinctive smell... the smell of lotus blossoms, eucalyptus and duplicity. It was at this point that I let her have it from both barrels.

Upon hearing the commotion, a JABCECC staff member called a code "fox rage". This meant all available personal needed to go to the fox house with brooms and spray bottles in hand. We have all sorts of code words so we can operate efficiently. I believe I have previously mentioned the "code Yuri". This is used when "Mr. Tubbs" gets his head stuck in something and everyone needs to get to him ASAP with a super sized stick of butter and the jaws of life. 

We also have a "code Lena". This is less of an emergency than some of the others, and just means Lena needs a belly rub. "Code pooper scooper" or the more delicate version "code PS" is heard quite a bit around here. This one can also take the form of "clean up on isle four". Once the staff members reached us, I was given orders to report directly to HR...do not pass GO, do not collect $200. This occurred before anyone listened to my side of the story. 

I am sure once HR releases their final report on the incident I will be fully exonerated and it will be Panda who will be subject to disciplinary action. I have no fundamental problem with Panda and would really like to bury the hatchet. She just need to knock off the funny business and fall in line behind me like a good minion. Once she does this everything will be just hunky-dory.

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - January 12, 2024

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. I’ve got a real treat for all my Vladiators out there. Our guest chatter today is Mikhail. Those that have been out to the center undoubtedly remember Mikhail. He is sometimes referred to as a Ninja fox due to his dark coloration but the correct term would be melanistic. He is also a friend to everyone and is a real straight shooter…kind of an elder statesman around here.

Hi Mikhail, welcome to my chat. Hi Vlad, great to be here. So Mikhail, the reason I want to talk to you today is I’m having problems with Panda. She is a real thorn in my side. She is always trying to undermine me which hinders my ability to lead the others. I mean we owe it to all the canids out there who are less fortunate than us to be the best ambassadors we possibly can be and that little she devil panda just makes it more difficult. You may have heard that she convinced the others to get me a lump of coal for Christmas. Everyone, including myself, thought that was a great gift. After I did some research I found out it’s not great at all. It’s what’s given to naughty boys and girls. When I checked Panda search history on her computer I found “what to get that total jerk in you life for Christmas” and coal was mentioned frequently. Now Mikhail, I may be many things…you know like wise, handsome, athletic, etc. but naughty is not one of them. Seeing as my combat skills are superior to Panda’s I could just take matters into my own paws and teach her a lesson but as every exceptional leader knows, diplomacy should always be attempted before any escalation. So Mikhail, could you talk to Panda and explain to her what a gift I am to all of you guys and have her knock off the funny business?

Well Vlad, it’s funny you should ask that. You see Panda came to me a few weeks ago asking me to talk to you. She said you are the most obnoxious, pretentious, ignorant cockalorum she has ever met. I actually wrote it on my foot so I would remember…footnotes. Well Mikhail I’m speechless, we both know none of that is true. Do we Vlad?? Think about this Vlad, the only true wisdom is knowing you know nothing. Sleep on it.

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - December 29, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. I hope all my Vladiators had a great Christmas, I sure did. You see all the ambassadors got together and got me present to thank me for being such a kind and giving leader. They gave me an absolutely lovely large lump of coal. I imagine they remember how cold it was in Siberia and how everyone huddled around the coal burning stove to stay warm. It was just so thoughtful for them to get me a gift that reminds me of my younger years. But then I got to thinking maybe that wasn’t their intention at all..maybe the coal, which is mostly carbon, was meant to symbolize a diamond, which is also made of carbon. It was their way of telling me I am the most valuable gem 💎. I mean I know all the other ambassadors worship me but it is truly touching they would say I am a diamond.

Of course the more I thought about it I began to wonder if any of the other ambassadors are intelligent enough to grasp that sort of symbolism. We certainly know our bear claw loving bumpkin Yuri isn’t. Lena shows promise sometimes, but I don’t see her putting the effort into figuring this out. So the question remains, why would the others give me a large lump of coal for Christmas? It could be some American tradition. Panda 🐼 is more into these kind of things so I could ask her. Or, I could just google it latter, but I’m sure it is something you would only give to your dearest friends. Those who have truly made a positive difference in your life. Consequently, to all my dearest Vladiators, if I could, I would make sure everyone of you had a Christmas stocking full of coal. Merry Christmas, happy holidays and wishes for a joyous new year.

Vlad out

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - December 15, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. What do you see in this picture. I’ll tell you what I see…I see Zuri, the black backed jackal, chillaxin in a cushy chair. The problem with this is have you ever seen a picture of Vlad, everyone’s favorite fox, sitting in a comfy chair?? The correct answer to that inquiry is no, I have not. That is because Vlad, the most important ambassador, has never been invited to sit in this exquisite chair. Sure there are pictures of me sitting on metal chairs and sure if I were to sit in a chair with such a wonderful cushion I would surely eat it or 💩 on it but that is no excuse for depriving Vlad, the linchpin of this operation, of this creature comfort.

Now I shouldn’t take this personally as I know the jackals are being socialized so they can be good ambassadors and as such management is spending a lot of time with them but it’s hard for Vlad, the big kahuna, to not look at this as a slight. I guess I will just need to let the staff here know about my dissatisfaction with this situation. They will no doubt quickly remedy it as they can’t have Vlad, the star attraction, being in any way disgruntled. I’m sure I will have my own comfy chair lickidy split. Of course I will immediately destroy it but I will have the satisfaction of knowing I am valued. When you’re as humble as I am, when anyone goes out of their way to validate me, it feels good. No doubt I will speak to you next time from my new comfy chair.

Vlad, the most precious fox that ever was or will be, out

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - December 1, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. I’m here today with our New Guinea Singing Dogs Luxx, Nicky and Stumpy. Welcome to my chat guys. Hi Vlad, we are happy to be here but I want you to know not to get snarky with us or we will have to go wild dingo on you. What’s “wild dingo” Luxx? Well Vlad it’s what happens when we get upset. You see Vlad, NGSDs are sometimes called New Guinea Dingoes or Forest Dingoes. We are genetically very similar to Australian Dingoes. So much so that some researchers call us one in the same. So bottom line don’t get us angry…you wouldn’t like us when we’re angry. Noted Luxx. How did you end up at JABCECC. Well Vlad, I was born at a zoo in Canada. It was very cold there and my living conditions weren’t great. Some good samaritans working at the zoo took me home and raised me. Then one day I smelled something I could not resist. I tracked the delightful smell to a 7 11 store. Once I broke inside I found it was coming from a rack of hot dogs which I quickly ate. People determined I was the “perp” and I was sent back to lockup at the zoo. Luckily soon after that I was rescued out of the zoo and made my way to JABCECC. Great story Luxx, I don’t think I could have resisted those hot dogs either.

So Nicky what’s your deal. Hi Vlad, Stumpy and I are Luxx’s sons. I was first born which is why I’m the smartest and best looking. Stumpy was born with that stubby tail. Unfortunately only a very few NGSDs were ever brought out of the wild which means all the NGSDs outside of New Guinea are very inbred. Exotic breeders sometimes get their hands on us and convince people we are great companion animals for everyone, but the truth is we can be very difficult so those animals often need to be rescued. I know what you mean Nicky, the same thing happens to foxes. I can’t help but notice the couches we are on have many holes, was that your handiwork? Well Vlad, I have destroyed so many things, it’s hard to keep track but It would be safe to say a few of these holes were my creations. Ok guys I’ve got important things to get done so thank you for your time.

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - November 17, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. Happy Friday…not. So rain has returned to the center. Normally this is not a problem for me cause I can just go inside but this time the others were in there having a conversation about whether or not turtles can leave there shells. Yuri was sure they could as otherwise “how would they go to the bathroom “. Panda thought he might be right hence the expression, “he needs to come out of his shell”. Of course they are wrong. Everybody knows, the carapace and the plastron (top and bottom shell), are fused to the ribs and vertebrae, so non removable. I couldn’t handle the ignorance so I had to leave.

People often ask how I am such a polymath and why my English is so robust. After all I am from Russia so english was nobody’s first language and of course I am a fox. It turns out one of the researchers at the institute of cytology and genetics used to leave the TV control near the fox enclosure so I was able to watch reruns of TJ Hooker and NCIS which is how I learned English. I also watched the Discovery Channel and I am ashamed I also caught a few episodes of Honey boo boo on TLC.

The Discovery Channel taught me all about EL Nino, also known as the El Niño-Southern Oscillation. Basically El Niño is unusually warm water in the Pacific which causes rainy weather during the winter in Southern California. There is a strong El Niño this year so that means many days sitting in the rain while the others are discussing whether or not gnats have testicles and if so where do they keep them.

Vlad out.