Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. So does this look like an unprovoked attack? It sure felt like it. Luckily I am able to defend myself having studied the martial art Moo Goo Gai Pan. It combines the grappling found in Jiu Jitsu, the strikes of Muay Thai and the artistry of Texas line dancing. Leika soon found she bit off more than she could chew. I set her up with a Shaolin sweep and then submitted her with a cowboy cha cha.
This altercation occurred this morning. It was O 600 and I was ready to sound reveille and have everyone fall in. Yuri was still deciding which breakfast pastry he was going to eat. Sasha and Lena were chatting about whether the plural of mongoose is mongeese or mongooses. Panda was telling Leika and Sergi about a dream she had where her teeth were falling out and when she tried to run outside she could not go anywhere. She finally made it outside and was mortified to find out that she had no clothes on. She felt it was odd this would upset her as she never wears clothes. Panda asked the others what they thought this dream meant and Leika says it clearly means Vlad is a jerk. Now, you don’t get to my position of leadership by having a thin skin but I was not going to allow them to besmirch my character like that without some kind of retaliation. So I did what anyone would do in a similar circumstance..I pooped in her breakfast bowl.
Leika is not known around here for having an even temper. As a matter of fact her temper is so quick it has a Doppler shift. So she comes boiling out the door yelling something about how that is the last time I will ever poop on something of hers using my existing butt hole cause she was going to tear me a new one. Seeing the rage in her eyes I took on a defensive posture. She came running at me and tried to bite my leg but I used the electric slide to thwart her attack. I then got in position for the Shaolin sweep just as master Kikkoman had taught me. This set me up for the final submission. In order to be released Leika had to apologize for calling me a jerk and promise to never do it again. She resisted for awhile but you can only take so much of the cowboy cha cha.
Vlad out
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - May 13, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. Standing up high, viewing the goings on in my domain. I always try to occupy the high ground both from a tactical and moral standpoint. The often quoted Chinese philosopher Sun Tzu wrote in the Art of War, He who occupies the high ground…will fight to advantage. Say for instance Leika hears a rumor that I was telling the others she was being sent to anger management classes cause she can be as nutty as a fruitcake. And then say she comes running after me with intent to do me bodily harm. If I am occupying the high ground, I will see her coming in advance and can prepare for the assault. Also by the time she gets to me she will have expended considerable energy which makes her defeat inevitable. Of course I would also inhabit the moral high ground as frankly she IS as nutty as a fruitcake, therefore I would just be making a helpful suggestion.
Another area were I am clearly on the high ground is my advocacy for canids. How can anyone who thinks it is morally acceptable to have foxes live horrible lives and die awful deaths so they can wear their fur, for vanity, be anything other than morally deficient?? Or, how can someone think it is ok to move onto land that has been inhabited by coyotes for thousands of years, not be willing to make any effort to coexist, but rather just want them gone or dead?? They are truly inhabiting a moral abyss. The same thing applies for people’s hatred of wolves. This is a fight worth having and being on a lofty perch will ensure success.
Sometimes being on the high ground is a difficult place to be. The things I see from here just make me want to scream. Whether it’s the injustices done to canids or seeing Yuri looking at this chat and then start searching for the fruitcake.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - May 20, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. Have you ever had something happen that challenged your whole world view. Something so unsettling that it made you question everything you thought you knew. Black is white, up is down, left is right, velour tracksuits are a good look on people. I’m just not sure how I am going to emotionally recover from this trauma. I guess it will help to talk about it so here it is. Viktor...Mr. it’s all about me, has agreed to share his next pub crawl with with the Dhole Conservation Fund in recognition of world Dhole day. Just saying that leaves me slightly disoriented.
The purpose of the Viktor pub crawls is to bring Canid conservation to the community. Viktor, however, seems to believe they are about bringing Viktor to the Villages. He relishes the adoration bestowed upon him and seems to believe everyone else there is undeserving of the spotlight. Now myself, I think that sharing is caring. Viktor, on the other hand, thinks sharing means allowing others to “bask in his beautificence”. I mean at one point management even talked about putting Viktor on a diet cause he was so full of himself. I am sure you can now see why Viktor’s sudden selflessness was unsettling.
The bottom line is it is a good thing Viktor agreed to this. Dholes are remarkable Canids...second only to foxes. Most people have never even heard of them. Come to think of it perhaps that is why Viktor made such an uncharacteristic decision...he thinks world Dhole day has something to do with pineapple🍍. Dholes are actually medium sized canids, bigger than foxes but smaller than wolves. They currently live in south China and India but their range used to be much larger. Dholes are very social animals often living in large packs. Unfortunately they are very endangered with only a few thousand left.
If Viktor can make this supreme sacrifice so can you. Learn more about dholes and support their conservation. Also, come out to Burgeon brewery for world dhole day on May 28 to personally thank Viktor for his compassionate act. Hope to see you there…but please, one favor to ask…leave the velour tracksuit at home.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad -May 27, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. Ever since I told my fans that I was a practitioner of the martial art Moo Goo Gui Pan, my inbox has been full of inquiries wanting to know more about this fighting style. No problem. Sit back and hear the “tail” of this wildly clever art.
Master Kikkoman had just returned home from Brazil, where he competed in the “Fists for the Forest” charity Ju Jitsu match. All proceeds from this event went towards Brazilian rainforest conservation efforts. He was celebrating his second place finish with dinner at PF Changs. While a very accomplished martial artist, master Kikkoman always felt something was missing in the styles he had studied. He ordered his usual, Ma Po tofu...extra soy sauce.
Seated at the adjacent table was young Tommy Bellagamba. He was also there for a celebration...admission into the Sudsy Pooch dog grooming academy. Neither of these two realized the significance of destiny bringing them together that night. Tommy, having never used chopsticks before, clumsily attempted to pick up a potsticker. Instead of hoisting the tasty morsel to his mouth, the slimy dumpling slid out of the chopsticks and shot on to the floor. Simultaneously, a waiter was delivering an order of General Chang’s chicken to table 14. He slipped on the potsticker which made the platter of chicken go airborne, striking master Kikkoman on the left temple. The impact created an altered state of consciousness in the master. During this time of impaired reality everything became clear to him. All the secrets of self defense are hidden in the animal kingdom.
His first vision was that of a red fox. An animal known for its ability to survive in many different environments. The words “he who can adapt will always hold the right key” rang in the masters head. Next he saw an African painted dog. These Canids form large packs which make them one of the most successful hunters on the African plains. The thought, “Strength comes not from within you but from….Oh oh, Looks like I have to go. Sasha bet Yuri he couldn’t get 15 cream puffs in his mouth and now he may need the Heimlich. I’ll finish the story next time.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - June 3, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. I had to end my chat abruptly last week due to Yuri’s “situation”. Yuri is fine by the way. He got the 15 cream puffs in his mouth and said “I’ma lick” meaning he was gonna lick the box the cream puffs came in. Everyone thought he said “Heimlich” cause well…he had 15 cream puffs in his mouth.
Ok, now back to my “tail”.
In his vision, caused from an assault by Gen. Chang’s chicken, the master saw an African painted dog. These canids form large packs which make them one of the most successful hunters on the African plains. The thought, “Strength comes not from you, but from those around you” permeated the masters soul. As quickly as that vision faded away, another flickered into view. It was a Swift fox. This is the smallest of the American foxes. “When size is not on your side use swiftness to turn the tide” was heard on the blowing wind. The masters last vision was of a capybara. The only non canid he saw, perhaps brought on by his recent trip to Brazil. While there, he bore witness to the famous Porto de Moz capybara stampede. This wonder of the world is induced by the locals throwing guava rinds into the Xingu river. The supersized guinea pigs come running from miles around to feast upon this banquet. Capybaras are the world’s largest rodents but even with their three inch incisors are still friends to all the animals of the forest. Don’t mistake this congenial attitude with a lack of fighting spirit and courage however. Every morning capybaras take a relaxing bath in nearby watering holes.. which are full of anacondas, piranha and black caiman, a 15 foot crocodilian. What have you done before breakfast?
Master Kikkoman regained his senses to the sound of clanking silverware...Oh my god!!. You know how they say lightening never strikes in the same place twice? Well it does if it’s name is Yuri. The other foxes told him they had some baklava imported from Greece and they would give him some if he could get his limbs behind his head. Now he’s flopping around the enclosure like a big furry pretzel. I need to go untangle him and tell him not to be so gullible. My work is never done.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - June 10, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. For the last two weeks I’ve been trying to tell you the story of Moo Goo Gui Pan and Yuri has been interrupting me. Even though I’ve child proofed the whole enclosure, the chance of me being able to get through my whole story before Yuri needs rescuing from some unpredictable predicament is next to zero. On account of this I’ve decided to record the story. I put calls into Morgan Freeman and David Attenborough to do the narration but for some inexplicable reason I have not heard back. Luckily, one of the volunteers at the center knows a guy who is presently working at 7 11 but is well known in the voice over industry. If I’m being honest, he is not as famous as David Attenborough in the nature documentary space but he is quite accomplished in the anesthetic hemorrhoid cream voice over space. You may be familiar with his work, does this statement ring a bell? “ Hemoclin, numb numb for the bum bum. Anyway, please listen to Felix Fernsby telling the story of Moo Goo Gui Pan… and make sure to stay through the closing credits for bonus content.
Vlad Out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - June 17, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. Lately I have noticed that certain members of the Novosibirsk 9 have been putting on a few extra “LBs”. One fox in particular seems to be the worst. I am not going to mention any names as to not shame anyone, but I will say his name does rhyme with curry. When I questioned Mr. Tikka Masala about it he said he had no idea what could be causing his weight gain. Checking out his food cache, I found it was full of a type of Italian cookie called Tiliccas di sapa. I took a look at the ingredients for these cookies and it read as follows…LARD, BUTTER, MORE LARD, FLOUR, SUGAR, ORANGES. He said he was eating them because he thought with all the viruses going around the oranges would give him extra vitamin C. He has been giving the cookies to everyone and telling them they’re a health food. I told him that first of all, foxes don’t need vitamin C cause we make our own and secondly…he’s a moron. Anyway, with the seasons changing we have lost our thick winter coats and our thin summer coats will show off every little roll. I needed to get these guys on a fitness program ASAP.
Luckily for my fellow ambassadors, I am well versed in multiple techniques of body transformation. I put together a program based on elements of Tae bo, fused with navy seal training. I posted a short video that shows me supervising a workout. You will see that not everyone was feeling the burn. Overall however, it went pretty well. Soon everyone will return to being lean, mean conservation machines….assuming we can keep Mr. Tandoori chicken off of calories r us.com.
Vlad out.
#vlad #fitness #fox #redfox #taebo #navyseals #curry #tikimasala #feeltheburn #chatwithvlad #friday #vladforpresident
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - June 24, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. So I recently heard some of the other foxes here think I look down at them. I know ridiculous, isn’t it? I do however understand how they might make this mistake. The truth is that, for obvious reasons, they all look up to me. This is something that is out of my control. I am just naturally quite awesome so why wouldn’t they look up to me.
It all just comes down to a matter of perspective. Looked at from my perspective they are all looking up to me. This of course creates a situation where, from their perspective, I would be looking down at them. Hence, this besmirchment of my character is unjust and due to a product of their own creation. If they really wanted this to stop, as opposed to just using it as an excuse for not examining their own inadequacies, they could just stop looking up to me. Now we all know that is not going to happen because as I have mentioned already I am quite awesome. It would be like asking Yuri to stop at just one cinnamon roll or asking Leika not to scream if someone accidentally steps on her shadow. Their remaining option is to continue worshipping me and use the perspective of me looking down on them to motivate them to improve themselves...and believe me, there is plenty of room for improvement. If Panda spent as much time working on canid Conservation as she does dreaming up ways to embarrass me it would be quite an improvement. Bottom line is as long as the others keep putting me on a pedestal I will be looking down on them.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - July 1, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. There has been a lot of exciting stuff going on at the center recently. Over the last month we have been introduced to some cool celebrities. I am sure you will hear more about this in the coming weeks. Of course with our increasing fame comes a certain loss of privacy. Yep, that’s right, we now constantly have to be on guard for the paparazzi. They would just love to get pictures of us acting in an undignified manner. Seeing how some of my fellow ambassadors comport themselves, this would not be too difficult. I can already envision pictures of Yuri stuffing his face with muffins plastered on the front page of all the tabloids. Just think how damaging it would be to the majestic image people have of wolves 🐺 to have a picture floating around of Lucan, AKA #dorkwolf, doing what he does best, acting like a dork. Or god forbid they get a picture of one of us licking our butts. In order to prevent this potentially irreparable harm to our reputations, I have created a standard operation procedure that describes what we should do when confronted by the paparazzi.
When Hollywood celebrities have run ins with the paparazzi they will try block the camera with their hands. Unfortunately, foxes have fairly small paws 🐾 which would prove ineffective at preventing an unflattering image from being acquired. My solution to this is shear genius if you ask me. When confronted by anyone trying to take unauthorized pictures of us we just need to block the camera with our tonsils. Yep, you read that right, we use our tonsils. If this means pictures of our tonsils appear in every rag sheet out there that is ok…it’s better than pictures of one of us on our back, sound asleep, spread eagle with all our “wonderfulness” displayed to the heavens above. I made a brief training video to demonstrate our new tactic and you will also see Libby practicing the technique.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - July 8, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. After looking at some of the comments on my previous chats, I got the impression that some of you don’t realize how humble and giving I am. In order to demonstrate these fine qualities, that I have in abundance, I will be doing an ambassador profile on a fox other than myself.
Ishy is a American fox that was the third fox to come to JABCECC. She was acquired as a friend to Boris and Sophia, the Russian Foxes. Management wanted to be able to look at the differences between Belaev foxes and US foxes. Us Russian foxes have been selected for just tameness for over 60 years, whereas American foxes have not.
Little Ishy was a fireball from day one. Even though she was the runt of the litter she had no problems going toe to toe with her litter mates. She was quite a handful for Boris and Sophie which required them to give her a beat down on a nearly daily basis.
As Ishy grew up she learned a lot from Boris and Sophie. For instance, she learned that people can be pretty cool and give you good stuff. Even with this knowledge she still was given the nickname “Ishy bites”. While on the surface she was ok hanging out with people, deep down she still likes to bite...so just don’t get her mad.
Foxes like Ishy are just a few generations removed from fur farms. This fact becomes evident when she gets her winter coat and it is responsible for her second nickname “Ishy squishy”. This is because her fur gets so long she looks like a big squishy marshmallow.
Ishy is able to participate in encounters and people seem to think she is cute. Those of you that have met her may know one of her favorite foods are cucumbers. She goes crazy for them...at least more crazy then usual. Ishy also really likes watermelon.
See, a whole chat with nary a mention of myself...your favorite fox. Such a display of humility is....humbling.
Vlad out.
#vlad #vladchat #vladforpresident #foxesofinstagram #foxes #fox #ishy #ishybites #ishysquishy #vladishumble #marshmallow