Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. So guess who just had a birthday 🎂. Yep, you guessed it, Mr. #dorkwolf extraordinaire. He just turned two years old. The ambassadors here figured we would throw him a surprise party. We all got together in secret to plan it out. Security was tight as some of our members are known to have pretty loose lips. Yuri for instance will let the proverbial cat out of the bag at the first glimpse of a cream puff. Panda has been a co-conspirator with Lucan on several occasions so her ability to keep this a secret was iffy. Before anything was discussed we took an oath of secrecy.
After taking the oath we got down to business. Of course Yuri offered to bring pastries to the party. Panda, Dimitri and Vasily were assigned to do the decorating. Freddy Snowball offered to make snow cones. The rest of us were tasked with finding the perfect gift for Lucan. We then decided we would hide around Lucan house when he was out greeting guests. When he came back we would jump out and yell happy birthday. With everything planed we ended the meeting and got to work.
We did have some difficulty deciding on his gift. I really thought the most meaningful gift would be a life size picture of me. The others were looking at food gifts. Sergei found a web site called wolffoodgifts.com that had item called tursteakchickiduckin. That seemed ok but not sentimental enough. Then we found a gift that was perfect for him. It was a super size chrome plated pooper scooper with an oil rubbed teak handle... monogrammed.
The day of the party we all waited for Lucan to be taken up to meet the guests. When that moment came we all scurried down to his house and hid behind rocks and in the bushes. Then we saw Lucan come back down the hill with that silly grin that he gets on his face when meeting new people. Then we jumped out and yelled happy birthday. Things didn’t go as planned. We must of given the boy a fright as he immediately released both anal glands and Yuri was standing right in the line of fire with his Sicilian cannolis. Once Lucan calmed down we had a great party though...but without the cannoli.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - April 15, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. How are my interweb peeps doing today?? aka my VLADIATORS. I took the opportunity to get some me time last week. Part of this time was spent with management telling them about my views on the operation of the center and the stress I am under making sure everything runs smoothly. The stress comes in all shapes and sizes. There are things like Yuri getting his head stuck in a box of star spangled ding dongs. He stumbled around tripping over all the food bowls. Repeated attempts to pull it off failed and we feared his thrashing about could cause bodily harm. We were about to call for the jaws of life when I found the reason it would not come off was Yuri had 10 ding dongs stuffed in his mouth. Once he let go of them the box fell of his head.
Then there was the spat between Lena and Leika. I am not sure of all the details but it had something to do with Lena offending Leika by walking by and having her tail hit her in the face. I had to step in to prevent them from coming to blows. Leika has a bit of a short fuse.
Of course there is also the constant concern over Panda and Lucan plotting a mutiny. I am sure you can see the tremendous pressure I am under just keeping order.
When I told this to management they listened, gave me a pep talk, a scratch behind my ears and sent me on my way. Now the scratch behind the ears was nice but the pep talk was about as useful as my nipples.
To conclude my me time I read some mail from my adoring fans and looked at some of the gifts sent to us. A fan from Greenland sent us some bottled water made from melted icebergs. I think it was probably meant for Freddy the Arctic fox but truth be told he hates the cold. At the first sign of inclement weather he puts himself away. Seeing as I was thirsty and Freddy would not appreciate it unless it was lemming flavored, which it was not, I drank it. It was then time to return to the others. I could not leave the crazies running the nut house for too long. And with that my ME time became WE time….until the iceberg water kicked in then it was PEE time.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - April 29, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. I’ve been so busy around here making this place run like a lean, mean, canid loving machine that I have not had much time to answer fan mail from my VLADIATORS. Today I will remedy that.
Our first letter comes from Tom of Cookietown Oklahoma... Hi Vlad, First I would like to say I am a really big fan. My question is what’s the deal with Yuri ? He always seems to be getting his body parts stuck in things. It just seems like with that boy the lights are on but no ones home. Is it really true that his elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor?
Hi Tom. Thank you for the kind words about me. As for Yuri, while it may be true that he is a few fries short of a happy meal, he is our special boy. I have never heard him utter a harsh word about anyone. I think he may be on a perpetual sugar high. The point being if you ever need a pick me up, Yuri is your man...even if there’s no grain in his silo.
Our next letter is from Jason from Fox Bluff Tennessee…Greetings Vlad, I am the interim acting president of the greater Cheatham county chapter of the Luxuriant Flowing Hair Club. I couldn’t help but notice what wonderful hair you have and as such I am officially extending an offer for you to be our mascot. Your time commitment would be minimal. We would ask for your attendance at two of our annual events. The first being our scientific symposium which last year included the blockbuster keynote speech “ wash, rinse, repeat..fact or fallacy” We would also like you to attend our plays in the park. We will be performing a modern adaptation of the 1979 hit musical “Hair”. What do you say Vlad? Hoping you have a split end free day.
Hi Jason, Yes, my hair/fur is amazing. Is this a true offer or are you just teasing me?…see what I did there??? Unfortunately due the the restrictions Tennessee has about foxes coming in from out of state I will have to decline. Stay frosty.
Lastly we will hear from Stacey from Celeryville Ohio…Hi Vlad, I am trying to decide if my favorite animal is a fox or an aardvark. Can you help?
Stacey, other than their place in the dictionary, it’s no contest.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - May 6, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. So does this look like an unprovoked attack? It sure felt like it. Luckily I am able to defend myself having studied the martial art Moo Goo Gai Pan. It combines the grappling found in Jiu Jitsu, the strikes of Muay Thai and the artistry of Texas line dancing. Leika soon found she bit off more than she could chew. I set her up with a Shaolin sweep and then submitted her with a cowboy cha cha.
This altercation occurred this morning. It was O 600 and I was ready to sound reveille and have everyone fall in. Yuri was still deciding which breakfast pastry he was going to eat. Sasha and Lena were chatting about whether the plural of mongoose is mongeese or mongooses. Panda was telling Leika and Sergi about a dream she had where her teeth were falling out and when she tried to run outside she could not go anywhere. She finally made it outside and was mortified to find out that she had no clothes on. She felt it was odd this would upset her as she never wears clothes. Panda asked the others what they thought this dream meant and Leika says it clearly means Vlad is a jerk. Now, you don’t get to my position of leadership by having a thin skin but I was not going to allow them to besmirch my character like that without some kind of retaliation. So I did what anyone would do in a similar circumstance..I pooped in her breakfast bowl.
Leika is not known around here for having an even temper. As a matter of fact her temper is so quick it has a Doppler shift. So she comes boiling out the door yelling something about how that is the last time I will ever poop on something of hers using my existing butt hole cause she was going to tear me a new one. Seeing the rage in her eyes I took on a defensive posture. She came running at me and tried to bite my leg but I used the electric slide to thwart her attack. I then got in position for the Shaolin sweep just as master Kikkoman had taught me. This set me up for the final submission. In order to be released Leika had to apologize for calling me a jerk and promise to never do it again. She resisted for awhile but you can only take so much of the cowboy cha cha.
Vlad out
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - May 13, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. Standing up high, viewing the goings on in my domain. I always try to occupy the high ground both from a tactical and moral standpoint. The often quoted Chinese philosopher Sun Tzu wrote in the Art of War, He who occupies the high ground…will fight to advantage. Say for instance Leika hears a rumor that I was telling the others she was being sent to anger management classes cause she can be as nutty as a fruitcake. And then say she comes running after me with intent to do me bodily harm. If I am occupying the high ground, I will see her coming in advance and can prepare for the assault. Also by the time she gets to me she will have expended considerable energy which makes her defeat inevitable. Of course I would also inhabit the moral high ground as frankly she IS as nutty as a fruitcake, therefore I would just be making a helpful suggestion.
Another area were I am clearly on the high ground is my advocacy for canids. How can anyone who thinks it is morally acceptable to have foxes live horrible lives and die awful deaths so they can wear their fur, for vanity, be anything other than morally deficient?? Or, how can someone think it is ok to move onto land that has been inhabited by coyotes for thousands of years, not be willing to make any effort to coexist, but rather just want them gone or dead?? They are truly inhabiting a moral abyss. The same thing applies for people’s hatred of wolves. This is a fight worth having and being on a lofty perch will ensure success.
Sometimes being on the high ground is a difficult place to be. The things I see from here just make me want to scream. Whether it’s the injustices done to canids or seeing Yuri looking at this chat and then start searching for the fruitcake.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - May 20, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. Have you ever had something happen that challenged your whole world view. Something so unsettling that it made you question everything you thought you knew. Black is white, up is down, left is right, velour tracksuits are a good look on people. I’m just not sure how I am going to emotionally recover from this trauma. I guess it will help to talk about it so here it is. Viktor...Mr. it’s all about me, has agreed to share his next pub crawl with with the Dhole Conservation Fund in recognition of world Dhole day. Just saying that leaves me slightly disoriented.
The purpose of the Viktor pub crawls is to bring Canid conservation to the community. Viktor, however, seems to believe they are about bringing Viktor to the Villages. He relishes the adoration bestowed upon him and seems to believe everyone else there is undeserving of the spotlight. Now myself, I think that sharing is caring. Viktor, on the other hand, thinks sharing means allowing others to “bask in his beautificence”. I mean at one point management even talked about putting Viktor on a diet cause he was so full of himself. I am sure you can now see why Viktor’s sudden selflessness was unsettling.
The bottom line is it is a good thing Viktor agreed to this. Dholes are remarkable Canids...second only to foxes. Most people have never even heard of them. Come to think of it perhaps that is why Viktor made such an uncharacteristic decision...he thinks world Dhole day has something to do with pineapple🍍. Dholes are actually medium sized canids, bigger than foxes but smaller than wolves. They currently live in south China and India but their range used to be much larger. Dholes are very social animals often living in large packs. Unfortunately they are very endangered with only a few thousand left.
If Viktor can make this supreme sacrifice so can you. Learn more about dholes and support their conservation. Also, come out to Burgeon brewery for world dhole day on May 28 to personally thank Viktor for his compassionate act. Hope to see you there…but please, one favor to ask…leave the velour tracksuit at home.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad -May 27, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. Ever since I told my fans that I was a practitioner of the martial art Moo Goo Gui Pan, my inbox has been full of inquiries wanting to know more about this fighting style. No problem. Sit back and hear the “tail” of this wildly clever art.
Master Kikkoman had just returned home from Brazil, where he competed in the “Fists for the Forest” charity Ju Jitsu match. All proceeds from this event went towards Brazilian rainforest conservation efforts. He was celebrating his second place finish with dinner at PF Changs. While a very accomplished martial artist, master Kikkoman always felt something was missing in the styles he had studied. He ordered his usual, Ma Po tofu...extra soy sauce.
Seated at the adjacent table was young Tommy Bellagamba. He was also there for a celebration...admission into the Sudsy Pooch dog grooming academy. Neither of these two realized the significance of destiny bringing them together that night. Tommy, having never used chopsticks before, clumsily attempted to pick up a potsticker. Instead of hoisting the tasty morsel to his mouth, the slimy dumpling slid out of the chopsticks and shot on to the floor. Simultaneously, a waiter was delivering an order of General Chang’s chicken to table 14. He slipped on the potsticker which made the platter of chicken go airborne, striking master Kikkoman on the left temple. The impact created an altered state of consciousness in the master. During this time of impaired reality everything became clear to him. All the secrets of self defense are hidden in the animal kingdom.
His first vision was that of a red fox. An animal known for its ability to survive in many different environments. The words “he who can adapt will always hold the right key” rang in the masters head. Next he saw an African painted dog. These Canids form large packs which make them one of the most successful hunters on the African plains. The thought, “Strength comes not from within you but from….Oh oh, Looks like I have to go. Sasha bet Yuri he couldn’t get 15 cream puffs in his mouth and now he may need the Heimlich. I’ll finish the story next time.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - June 3, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. I had to end my chat abruptly last week due to Yuri’s “situation”. Yuri is fine by the way. He got the 15 cream puffs in his mouth and said “I’ma lick” meaning he was gonna lick the box the cream puffs came in. Everyone thought he said “Heimlich” cause well…he had 15 cream puffs in his mouth.
Ok, now back to my “tail”.
In his vision, caused from an assault by Gen. Chang’s chicken, the master saw an African painted dog. These canids form large packs which make them one of the most successful hunters on the African plains. The thought, “Strength comes not from you, but from those around you” permeated the masters soul. As quickly as that vision faded away, another flickered into view. It was a Swift fox. This is the smallest of the American foxes. “When size is not on your side use swiftness to turn the tide” was heard on the blowing wind. The masters last vision was of a capybara. The only non canid he saw, perhaps brought on by his recent trip to Brazil. While there, he bore witness to the famous Porto de Moz capybara stampede. This wonder of the world is induced by the locals throwing guava rinds into the Xingu river. The supersized guinea pigs come running from miles around to feast upon this banquet. Capybaras are the world’s largest rodents but even with their three inch incisors are still friends to all the animals of the forest. Don’t mistake this congenial attitude with a lack of fighting spirit and courage however. Every morning capybaras take a relaxing bath in nearby watering holes.. which are full of anacondas, piranha and black caiman, a 15 foot crocodilian. What have you done before breakfast?
Master Kikkoman regained his senses to the sound of clanking silverware...Oh my god!!. You know how they say lightening never strikes in the same place twice? Well it does if it’s name is Yuri. The other foxes told him they had some baklava imported from Greece and they would give him some if he could get his limbs behind his head. Now he’s flopping around the enclosure like a big furry pretzel. I need to go untangle him and tell him not to be so gullible. My work is never done.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - June 10, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. For the last two weeks I’ve been trying to tell you the story of Moo Goo Gui Pan and Yuri has been interrupting me. Even though I’ve child proofed the whole enclosure, the chance of me being able to get through my whole story before Yuri needs rescuing from some unpredictable predicament is next to zero. On account of this I’ve decided to record the story. I put calls into Morgan Freeman and David Attenborough to do the narration but for some inexplicable reason I have not heard back. Luckily, one of the volunteers at the center knows a guy who is presently working at 7 11 but is well known in the voice over industry. If I’m being honest, he is not as famous as David Attenborough in the nature documentary space but he is quite accomplished in the anesthetic hemorrhoid cream voice over space. You may be familiar with his work, does this statement ring a bell? “ Hemoclin, numb numb for the bum bum. Anyway, please listen to Felix Fernsby telling the story of Moo Goo Gui Pan… and make sure to stay through the closing credits for bonus content.
Vlad Out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - June 17, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. Lately I have noticed that certain members of the Novosibirsk 9 have been putting on a few extra “LBs”. One fox in particular seems to be the worst. I am not going to mention any names as to not shame anyone, but I will say his name does rhyme with curry. When I questioned Mr. Tikka Masala about it he said he had no idea what could be causing his weight gain. Checking out his food cache, I found it was full of a type of Italian cookie called Tiliccas di sapa. I took a look at the ingredients for these cookies and it read as follows…LARD, BUTTER, MORE LARD, FLOUR, SUGAR, ORANGES. He said he was eating them because he thought with all the viruses going around the oranges would give him extra vitamin C. He has been giving the cookies to everyone and telling them they’re a health food. I told him that first of all, foxes don’t need vitamin C cause we make our own and secondly…he’s a moron. Anyway, with the seasons changing we have lost our thick winter coats and our thin summer coats will show off every little roll. I needed to get these guys on a fitness program ASAP.
Luckily for my fellow ambassadors, I am well versed in multiple techniques of body transformation. I put together a program based on elements of Tae bo, fused with navy seal training. I posted a short video that shows me supervising a workout. You will see that not everyone was feeling the burn. Overall however, it went pretty well. Soon everyone will return to being lean, mean conservation machines….assuming we can keep Mr. Tandoori chicken off of calories r us.com.
Vlad out.
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