Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. You may have seen that Freddie Snowball is out of quarantine. Whenever a new animal comes to live here they need to be kept separated for 30 days to make sure they don’t have any communicable diseases. With Freddie we really didn’t know where that boy had been and what unsavory company he may have kept. Because of this, he could not be in any areas that the rest of us use. Now he is able to be in what we call the big house. He really enjoys it. He wanders all around checking everything out. I think he is looking for lemmings. I don’t have the heart to tell him that his searching will be in vain. We do have squirrels here but I am not sure that will be an adequate substitute for him.
In a few weeks I will need to have a sit down with Freddie to see what his deal is. I can always use another loyal resident to help me keep order. Unfortunately many of the others here continually try to challenge my efforts. Panda and Lucan are repeat offenders. They always seem to be plotting about ways to cause trouble. While those two are the worst, that’s not to say the others are angels. Viktor is a bit passive aggressive. In his encounters he comes across as this incredibly friendly, easy going guy. Behind the scenes he can be a prima donna who has yet to acknowledge my greatness. Leika can also be a bit of a pill. You may recall a few weeks back she attempted to inflict bodily harm upon me by propelling a rock towards me. Vasily and Dimitri are pretty cool and usually have my back but Sergei and Lena can be rabble rousers. So you see I have my “hands” pretty full here trying to get this place to function like a well oiled machine. Luckily my leadership skills are quite robust. I believe in allowing the others to see that I am a natural leader and trusting them to come to that conclusion on their own without force. There is a saying from Russia that goes “you can build a throne from bayonets but you can’t sit on it for long”. Of course there is also a saying that goes “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me for not punching you on the throat the first time”.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - Feb 4, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. Many people ask me when they see us ambassadors playing together so nicely, how this can be on account of all the conflict they have heard about in my chats. Well the truth is I have stellar conflict resolution skills. I get my inspiration in this area from three places. The first is Gandhi who said “An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind”. I take this to mean you never want to respond to a slight with a proportionate response but rather always a greater one. Kind of like the line “He pulls a knife, you pull a gun”. Of course none of us have knives or guns so it’s more like you pee in my food bowl, I crap in yours.
My 2nd source of inspiration comes from The Rolling Stones. They said “You can't always get what you want But if you try sometimes, well, you might find You get what you need”. This lyrical golden nugget can apply in the following situation. Say I have a nice juicy piece of chicken and Panda comes over and wants it. If she avoids conflict and walks away she will have my respect and admiration, which is really what she needs. I mean what could be more valuable then my respect and admiration? So you see allowing Panda to come to this conclusion resolves the conflict. Mick Jagger would be so proud.
My third source of inspiration comes from a wise man I knew in Russia. He lived in a small village outside of Novosibirsk called Kochki and worked at the only business in the town which was a borscht and underwear factory. Now I know what you’re thinking, that is a odd combination. It makes more sense knowing their slogan, which is, “Enjoy your Borscht, we’ve got your naughty bits covered”..admittedly it does sound more poetic in the native tongue. Anyway, during our interactions I would often hear him say, “when opinions differ, the one with the biggest mouth wins”. Now since foxes have mouths lined with 42 razor sharp teeth, this could be understood as the one more able to rip the other a new one is always the winner. Of course there is another way to interpret this, being the one more able to deliver a bombastic bloviating blitzkrieg will win..which is me.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - Feb 11, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad, How are all my adoring fans doing?? We have a special guest with us for our chat today, please join me in welcoming Yuri. How’s it going P-man? Pretty good Vlad, but why did you call me P-man. Well Yuri, you are a platinum color morph and platinum begins with P. Oh, ok Vlad. If I am being completely honest with you Yuri, many of the others call you this because whenever we get new water you immediately pee in it. Wow Vlad, that’s just not true. I mean maybe I’ve done that 3 or 4 times but it just hard to resist the urge to relieve one’s self into that nice clean cool water. Again Yuri, just being honest, it’s not 3 OR 4 times but rather 34 times, and that’s per day. Management constantly has to change out a full bowl of water because you’ve turned it into Yuri Lemonade. I think part of the reason Southern California has to ration water is because of you. P-man is actually the nicer of the nicknames that were discussed at the secret meeting. You almost got the nickname “Yurithra”. Secret meeting?? can we just change the subject Vlad.
Sure, tell us about your hobbies Yuri. Well Vlad, I like to eat. Is that it Yuri? Yes...well I guess there is another, I also like to think about eating. You seem to be in good shape for someone who is eating all the time, Yuri. Yes Vlad, I think that’s cause I worry a lot. What do you worry about? Mostly about when the next time I’m going to eat will be. So Yuri, what are your favorite foods? I have to admit I have a bit of a sweet tooth. I am a real fan of the breakfast pastries. Yes Yuri, we have heard you talk about bearclaws on several occasions, why do you like them so much? Jeez Vlad, I mean what’s not to like. I think a full discussion on this would take up more than your 2200 characters. Suffice it to say they are the perfect combo of sweet and chewy. I can also use the icing to stick them to my feet and pretend I’m a bear 🐻. We’ve entered a kind of weird area so I think we will sign off, anything else Yuri? Yes, Vlad, where is the cheese blintz you promised me???
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - Feb 18, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. I’m just hanging out with with my subjects today. You see one of the keys to being a successful leader is to be accessible. Getting out and mingling with the others is a way for me to get a pulse on everyone’s mood and to find out what kind of plots are floating around to undermine me. Yuri is a very good source for this information because first he is everyone’s friend and secondly he will tell you anything as long as you keep feeding him his beloved breakfast pastries. I nipped Panda’s last plot in the bud and all it cost me was a danish kringle. Just keep feeding the boy and sit back and listen. Foxes, by the way, are very good listeners.
People have studied the hearing range of us red foxes 🦊 and have found we can actually hear low frequencies better than dogs and our maximal absolute hearing sensitivity is better than any mammal that’s been tested. The low frequency range helps us hear things moving underground or even under snow. One of the projects that management has looked into for us is teaching us to do avalanche rescue. How would you feel about being stuck under several feet of snow with little hope of rescue but then digging through the snow you see my smiling face? If you happened to be rescued by Yuri he would no doubt expect an apple cruller as a reward. Oh, and foxes often pee on things we uncover in the snow so just a heads up on that.
I would expect that Freddie would not have the same hearing sensitivity as us red foxes. Have you seen his tiny little ears...maybe not because they are tiny and little. Arctic foxes are adapted to extremely cold environments. Just thinking about 70 below zero makes me sing soprano and red foxes are no slouches dealing with cold weather. Something had to go to deal with those conditions and it was the ears which loose heat.
Well, I need to get back to interrogating Yuri. I have a couple Dunkin munchkins which should get me some good intel.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - March 26, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. How are my peeps? I recently had a sit down with Sophie and learned some interesting stuff about the history of the JABCECC. Sophie was one of the original Belaev foxes that the founders brought to America. You see us Belaev foxes are a pretty big deal as we have been selectively bred for tameness for decades. There was even a TV program about us made by National Geographic. Anyway the story goes one of the founders asked the other if she had seen this. She said no but then went and found it and watched the program. She was immediately enchanted by us and said there had to be a way to get some to the US. Now rumor has it that she had a few glasses of wine 🍷 down the hatch at that point so it was assumed that thoughts of doing what had not been done before would quickly dissipate. This was not the case however and as time went on the need to meet one of us foxes only intensified. Many calls and emails where sent and finally it began to look like this could become a reality, they would be able to get one fox to America. Two videos were sent, one of a fox called Erik and one of a fox named Amy. These two couldn’t be any more different. Erik was quiet and calm, while Amy was LOUD and emotional. Logically, Erik would have been the best pick but the thought of leaving sweet, emotional Amy behind was just too much. So the decision was made to bring both foxes to America. They were renamed Boris and Sophie. 8 months after that night of a few too many glasses of wine they were finally here. Since then several more Belaev foxes have been brought to the JABCECC, including yours truly.
Sophie and Boris are kind of like royalty around here. We all respect our elders and are very happy those two made such a good impression that the decision was made to bring more of us over. Since that time other foxes have been brought to the center having been rescued from bad situations. Other species of Canids have also been brought here. We all do our best to make people realize what remarkable animals we are and that we have a right to live full and happy lives. It all started, however with a sweet little fox named Sophi
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - March 11, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. No, I have not impaled myself on a stick, although sometimes having to deal with some of the others here makes me want to do so. The truth is I am shedding which makes me super itchy. Foxes can have up to 20,000 hairs per square cm compared to humans who only have a couple hundred so you can imagine how itchy shedding can be. In a few months I will have my summer coat which will not only be dashing but will also help me keep me cool. All of the others are shedding as well but I called dibs on the stick. Management sometimes collects the hair so they have jars full of it. They keep saying they are going to have it spun into yarn and make socks out of it. Would anyone out there want some Vlad hair socks? The best part about them will be when they get wet it will reactivate the foxy smell. Many of you have probably experienced a wet dog smell but you have not lived until you’ve experienced a wet fox smell. We have a special gland on our tails called the violet gland. Other Canids can also have a gland here but many suggest ours is the most pungent. The chemical makeup of some of the secretions is actually similar to some of the chemicals found in the aroma of the violet flower but if you smelled it I guarantee you would not be thinking about flowers. Management sometimes calls it the violent gland. I take a bit of offense to this. I find the aroma from my violet gland to be quite delightful in a jarring sort of way. Now Yuri’s gland puts out some nasty funk but that is probably because of all they pastries that boy eats. We may need to sort out the Yuri hair before we make the socks otherwise they would give your odor eaters a run for their money. I need to go now and guard my stick. If one of the others tries to claim the stick for themselves there is going to be trouble and no one needs that right now.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - April 1, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. See the great hole I dug? Don’t let Yuri’s presence in to hole make you think he did any of the work digging it. He is probably just looking for any crumbs from the eclairs he ate the other day. For me this hole is the beginning of my very own fortress of solitude. Much like Superman needed a place to go to recharge, I need a place where I can get away from the constant bickering everyone does around here about trivial matters. It usually goes something like this. Lena yells, “Panda, did you poop in my food bowl?” Panda says, “Why would you blame me, I’m offended. To which Lena replies, “cause you always poop in everyone’s food bowl. And Panda says “ you have no proof of that.” Then everyone tells Panda all the times they have seen her poop in food bowls. Panda then tries to change the subject and talks about the the many times everyone present has bit her on the butt. Being the leader I guess it would be my responsibility to mediate this matter. I am expected to somehow channel the wisdom of Solomon and provide a solution. As if splitting the offending turd in two and giving part to each of the combatants would do the trick. I am sure you can now understand why I need a place for me time.
Now Superman’s fortress was in the Arctic which kept everyone away. That is not an option for me so I will need to get more creative. I will be able to keep Yuri out by just declaring it a pastry free zone but not the others. I could booby trap the entrance with land mines but I think I could have trouble getting that plan by management. I can just hear them discussing the numerous regulatory agencies that would frown on allowing explosives in the fox enclosures. I think my argument about desperate times requiring desperate measures would fall on deaf ears. I will just need to use my superior intellect. If I enthusiastically invite them into my fortress they will think it’s a trap and stay away, reverse psychology. They already don’t recognize my greatness and think I am a bit unstable. I have heard the term delusions of grandeur bandied about when referring to yours truly. That sounds like a plan.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - April 8, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. So guess who just had a birthday 🎂. Yep, you guessed it, Mr. #dorkwolf extraordinaire. He just turned two years old. The ambassadors here figured we would throw him a surprise party. We all got together in secret to plan it out. Security was tight as some of our members are known to have pretty loose lips. Yuri for instance will let the proverbial cat out of the bag at the first glimpse of a cream puff. Panda has been a co-conspirator with Lucan on several occasions so her ability to keep this a secret was iffy. Before anything was discussed we took an oath of secrecy.
After taking the oath we got down to business. Of course Yuri offered to bring pastries to the party. Panda, Dimitri and Vasily were assigned to do the decorating. Freddy Snowball offered to make snow cones. The rest of us were tasked with finding the perfect gift for Lucan. We then decided we would hide around Lucan house when he was out greeting guests. When he came back we would jump out and yell happy birthday. With everything planed we ended the meeting and got to work.
We did have some difficulty deciding on his gift. I really thought the most meaningful gift would be a life size picture of me. The others were looking at food gifts. Sergei found a web site called wolffoodgifts.com that had item called tursteakchickiduckin. That seemed ok but not sentimental enough. Then we found a gift that was perfect for him. It was a super size chrome plated pooper scooper with an oil rubbed teak handle... monogrammed.
The day of the party we all waited for Lucan to be taken up to meet the guests. When that moment came we all scurried down to his house and hid behind rocks and in the bushes. Then we saw Lucan come back down the hill with that silly grin that he gets on his face when meeting new people. Then we jumped out and yelled happy birthday. Things didn’t go as planned. We must of given the boy a fright as he immediately released both anal glands and Yuri was standing right in the line of fire with his Sicilian cannolis. Once Lucan calmed down we had a great party though...but without the cannoli.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - April 15, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. How are my interweb peeps doing today?? aka my VLADIATORS. I took the opportunity to get some me time last week. Part of this time was spent with management telling them about my views on the operation of the center and the stress I am under making sure everything runs smoothly. The stress comes in all shapes and sizes. There are things like Yuri getting his head stuck in a box of star spangled ding dongs. He stumbled around tripping over all the food bowls. Repeated attempts to pull it off failed and we feared his thrashing about could cause bodily harm. We were about to call for the jaws of life when I found the reason it would not come off was Yuri had 10 ding dongs stuffed in his mouth. Once he let go of them the box fell of his head.
Then there was the spat between Lena and Leika. I am not sure of all the details but it had something to do with Lena offending Leika by walking by and having her tail hit her in the face. I had to step in to prevent them from coming to blows. Leika has a bit of a short fuse.
Of course there is also the constant concern over Panda and Lucan plotting a mutiny. I am sure you can see the tremendous pressure I am under just keeping order.
When I told this to management they listened, gave me a pep talk, a scratch behind my ears and sent me on my way. Now the scratch behind the ears was nice but the pep talk was about as useful as my nipples.
To conclude my me time I read some mail from my adoring fans and looked at some of the gifts sent to us. A fan from Greenland sent us some bottled water made from melted icebergs. I think it was probably meant for Freddy the Arctic fox but truth be told he hates the cold. At the first sign of inclement weather he puts himself away. Seeing as I was thirsty and Freddy would not appreciate it unless it was lemming flavored, which it was not, I drank it. It was then time to return to the others. I could not leave the crazies running the nut house for too long. And with that my ME time became WE time….until the iceberg water kicked in then it was PEE time.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/ Vlad - April 29, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. I’ve been so busy around here making this place run like a lean, mean, canid loving machine that I have not had much time to answer fan mail from my VLADIATORS. Today I will remedy that.
Our first letter comes from Tom of Cookietown Oklahoma... Hi Vlad, First I would like to say I am a really big fan. My question is what’s the deal with Yuri ? He always seems to be getting his body parts stuck in things. It just seems like with that boy the lights are on but no ones home. Is it really true that his elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor?
Hi Tom. Thank you for the kind words about me. As for Yuri, while it may be true that he is a few fries short of a happy meal, he is our special boy. I have never heard him utter a harsh word about anyone. I think he may be on a perpetual sugar high. The point being if you ever need a pick me up, Yuri is your man...even if there’s no grain in his silo.
Our next letter is from Jason from Fox Bluff Tennessee…Greetings Vlad, I am the interim acting president of the greater Cheatham county chapter of the Luxuriant Flowing Hair Club. I couldn’t help but notice what wonderful hair you have and as such I am officially extending an offer for you to be our mascot. Your time commitment would be minimal. We would ask for your attendance at two of our annual events. The first being our scientific symposium which last year included the blockbuster keynote speech “ wash, rinse, repeat..fact or fallacy” We would also like you to attend our plays in the park. We will be performing a modern adaptation of the 1979 hit musical “Hair”. What do you say Vlad? Hoping you have a split end free day.
Hi Jason, Yes, my hair/fur is amazing. Is this a true offer or are you just teasing me?…see what I did there??? Unfortunately due the the restrictions Tennessee has about foxes coming in from out of state I will have to decline. Stay frosty.
Lastly we will hear from Stacey from Celeryville Ohio…Hi Vlad, I am trying to decide if my favorite animal is a fox or an aardvark. Can you help?
Stacey, other than their place in the dictionary, it’s no contest.
Vlad out.