Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. What you see here is me shut inside, by myself, while all the others are in the play yard. Now if you were to ask the others why this is the case, they would say a new toy was put outside and I don’t play well with others in this circumstance. I’m sure all my Vladiators realize this would just be their feeble attempt to besmirch my character. I mean its self evident that when a new toy appears I should get the first crack at it but that point is moot. It is my personal choice to be inside. I will use this time to go through my copious amounts of fan mail . Maybe if the others got ANY fan mail they would understand. So let’s get right to it.
Our first letter comes from Timmy of Toad Stuck Arkansas. “Hi Vlad. I am 12 years old and am in 7th grade at Carl Stuart middle school. My science teacher, Miss Clutterbuck, said I can write a report on red foxes. I could really use a cool fact about foxes so I can get an A on my report”. Sure thing Timmy. Foxes have great hearing as do most canids but what really stands out about our auditory sense is our ability to hear very quiet low frequency sounds. This helps us to locate small animals digging under the ground. If you try to sneak up on a fox and have a mechanical watch on, we can hear it from over 100 feet away. How’s that fun fact sound?
Next we will hear from Roberto from Puddlerun New Mexico. “Greetings Vlad. I think I was a fox in a previous life as I try to be just like you. The fact that you are so irreverent and yet so lovable is truly inspirational. Vlad, what is your favorite color? Please say it is green cause that is mine”. Hi Roberto, I would love to comply with your request but unfortunately foxes are red-green color blind so my favorite color is mustard. I can understand however why you would be so green with envy.
I just got a report from the play yard. It appears that Leika was hogging the new toy so the others got together and waterboarded her. I bet she is wishing lovable Vladdy was out there to keep order. Live and learn.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - November 4, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. We just got some “glamour shots” back that Yuri had taken by a photographer that goes by the name Dandelion Dreams. Now I told Yuri he should lay of the bearclaws for a few weeks before the shoot so he would be in peak condition. As you can see he did not heed my advise. I wanted him to be a lean mean foxy machine but instead he was a flabby gabby foxy fatty.
My purpose here is not to body shame Yuri. If eating large quantities of breakfast pastries makes him happy, who am I to judge him for that. I just question how seriously Yuri takes his job. He is an ambassador for all foxes both in captivity and living in the wild. Many of these animals survive by virtue of their cunning nature and their athleticism. I am just not sure how well Yuri, walking around like the Pillsbury dough boy, represents that. When I talk to him about this he just tells me to stop being a buzzkill and walks away. Yuri truly has a lot of nerve saying that to me. He seems to have forgotten who saved him when he crawled into an empty box of sticky buns only to find out it was not quite empty. The residual icing in the box stuck to his hair and bonded the box to his a** 🐴. He walked around that way for hours before I saw him and alerted management. We have a special term for just this type of occurrence...we call it a code dingbat. We have this drill down quite well as unfortunately this was not Yuri’s first code dingbat...he is actually the poster child for them.
Vlad out
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - October 21, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. Have you ever been standing there, minding your own business, when someone rushes up to you out of nowhere? At first you might think oh, this is great, they must want to give you treats or rub your belly, but then you become aware that may not be the case. As they get closer you realize they are there to cut your nails, pull clumps of hair out of your tail or god forbid...give you a pill. Whatever heinous act they have in mind there is really only one thing you can do. Hit the high road, get out of dodge, skedaddle, don’t let the screen door hit ya where the good lord split ya, blow this pop stand, Elvis has left the building. Yes, that’s right turn tail and run like you’re being chased by a rabid wolverine with antisocial personality disorder..and that’s what I did.
The video I posted is shown in slow motion to allow you to see the beauty of my gait and also to add cinematographic creativity. This effect comes from a TV show popular in the late 70s. Now you might ask “why would you, Vlad, know of anything from the late 70s seeing as you are not even 3 years old”. The answer my friends is English is not my first language, my first language is of course fox. This is actually a very robust language with many different vocalizations. My most used being a whooping alarm call which is understood by everyone to mean, come quickly, Yuri has got his head stuck in something again. Anyway, being an ambassador means interacting with people and understanding English is helpful. I gained this understanding by binge watching 70s and 80s TV shows. One of my favorites, and it’s a crime it never got an Emmy, was the Bionic Woman, which is where this stunning effect comes from. The paradox of inferring speed from a lack thereof. Many of you younger Vladiators may never have had the pleasure of viewing this jewel so I have included a link.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hpCZ7cB4vOU
I selected this particular clip because is has special relevance to a JABCECC ambassador. If any knows what that is, 1000 points and an attaboy from Vlad.
Vlad Out.
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - October 14, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. This week I got my picture taken and one of the pics seemed perfect for Tongue out Tuesday. The problem is my main social media presence occurs on Friday and Tongue out Friday just doesn’t seem to cut it. I have thought about doing a Fanny out Friday cause I do have an exceptionally nice tushy and I certainly could bring booty back but then I was told that the word fanny does not mean buttocks in some places of the world. Of course, this is only a problem because of my international fame. This alternative meaning would require an OnlyFans page which wouldn’t work for my alter boy persona. Other body parts that begin with F just don’t work. I mean Frontal lobe out Friday is interesting due to the cerebral nature of our chats but I’m just concerned someone would take that too literally.
The bloke who took this picture had an easy job cause It’s hard to take a bad picture of me. When I got the picture back at first glance it looked great, but on closer inspection I see this ginormous eye booger. Foxes are denning animals so we dig a lot and eye boogers are nature’s way of removing the crud but no one wants to exhibit theirs to the world. I asked the photographer to photoshop it out and he says “he is an artist and that would lack authenticity”. Really?? you give a guy an iPhone with portrait mode and suddenly he thinks he’s Ansel Adams. I say come on dude let’s lose the booger. He then tells me about the “narrative” of the picture. It is me shedding a tear for all my brethren foxes on fur farms living awful lives to satisfy the horrific vanity of some people. Now he thinks he’s Steven Spielberg. All of us ambassadors work hard to bring awareness about the plight of my “brethren” and have shed tears but this is not a tear, its a booger.
To add insult to injury, Panda sees the picture and starts calling me “booger King” Then Sergei comes up and says “your like McDonald’s...billions of boogers served. I should have used our normal photographers. As for this putz...he will rue the day 💩 💩
Vlad out
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - October 7, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. So we had our annual fundraiser last weekend and it was a huge success. We sold out the venue, educated the attendees about the importance of canids and talked about our healing path programs. Everybody there also had a great time. Us foxes were represented by Viktor, Maksa, Lena, Yuri and Panda. Of course I could not attend on account of my celebrity. You can only imagine what the security implications would have been. I was at home in the control room organizing everything. Some of my fellow ambassadors suggested I might have gone a bit overboard in my organizing and they sent me the picture I posted as proof. Apparently when I was running around getting everything in its proper place I filed some of the other foxes…at least they were not in my way. Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
These fundraisers allow us the help more animals, create a better environment for our existing animals and expand our programs to help people. I made up cue cards for everybody to help with our messaging. One of my favorites said “show me the money, Vladdy needs a new pair of shoes”. Now I know what you are thinking, foxes don’t wear shoes. You are correct we do not, but we do eat them. While I have never eaten a pair, I hear Jimmy Chews are the best. Word is they melt in your mouth…a fox can dream.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - September 16, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. In my last chat with you guys I talked a bit about one of the missions of JABCECC. Teaching humans how they can lead happier lives by both thinking like canids, at times, as well as feeling a connection with nature and the animals that inhabit it. One of our slogans here is “helping canids help themselves by helping people”. This can manifest in many ways but can be as simple as a person spending some time with coming to the realization that killing us for our fur is morally reprehensible. We help them by giving them an experience they won’t soon forget, they help us by advocating against fur farming….seems like a fair trade. Another one of our slogans here is “All hail Vlad” but we can talk about that one on another day.
Us canids at JABCECC are happy to teach you about how to appreciate the simple things in life. These “simple things” are all around, you just need to be open to seeing them. As thanks for allowing me into Facebook and Instagram feeds every Friday I am going to give you some knowledge that has been handed down for thousands of generations and is the secret to happiness ….Belly rubs, lots of belly rubs
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - September 9, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. I’m trying find my compatriots so we can finish our last meeting that, as you may recall, had to be canceled on account of Yuri’s gluttony. Our howling, healing and harmonies fundraiser is coming up and we need to talk about making it a success. The money raised will go towards the care of the canid residents at JABCECC as well our programs designed to make you better humans.
You see whether you believe it or not, there is a lot people can learn from canids. We have more in common with you than you may think. The part of our brain where emotions arise is almost identical to that of the human brain. The difference is you guys have a ginormous neocortex. This “creative brain” is what has given the world space travel, the internet and microwaveable pizza…in no particular order of importance. It has also given you spitefulness, vindictiveness, contempt and bipolar disorder. We canids know that happiness comes from harmony with our environment which helps create harmony with our emotions, and vise versa. I call this The Tao of Vlad. The problem for you humans comes when the part of your brain that evolved to handle emotions a few hundred thousand years ago competes with the part that has been doing it for 250 million years. You can learn from us canids how to avoid this by not always listening to that know it all, Debbie downer neocortex…Just got a message from HR. Apparently legal contacted them and they want me to post the following disclaimer.
These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. Foxes are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.
Not sure why they are making such a big deal about this. When Sergei was trying to sell fox pee as a treatment for male pattern baldness nobody said anything. The only thing that stopped him was he couldn’t decide whether to call it “foxy locks” or “chrome dome-mycin”
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - September 2, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. So I’m back from my special assignment and I am sure you all missed me. Let me tell you, I wasn’t back for 5 minutes before it turned into a total 💩 show around here. Now those that have spent much time around foxes know that, in a literal sense, it is a 💩 show pretty much all the time around us. Foxes have the incredible ability to 💩 at anytime for any reason. As a matter of fact, awhile back we where pitched a reality show called “The 💩 show”. We got as far as filming a pilot and I thought it was a shoe in to get picked up when, on cue, Vasily laid down a log shaped like Elvis. It turned out the corporate executives felt it lacked the “shock value” required in today’s reality shows.
The 💩 show I spoke of was more in a figurative sense. As soon as I got back Panda comes up to me and questions me about why I put a picture of baby Ishy in my chat last week instead of a picture of baby Panda. She then accused me of overlooking her cuteness as a kit. In an attempt to diffuse the situation I assured Panda she was cute as a kit but history has shown people really like pictures of baby Ishy. She then demanded I go tell Ishy that “Panda was the cutest baby”. This was not something I was prepared to do as Ishy can get quite cantankerous when she gets upset. I really didn’t want to take a ride on that coocoo train so I told Panda I would have my Vladiators vote on who was cuter.
An hour later Freddy comes up and says he heard I was orchestrating a baby beauty pageant and he wanted to remind me that he was quite cute as a kit. I tried to tell him that no, this is not “toddlers and tiaras” but rather I’m just trying to appease Panda and I would rather swallow a pregnant wildcat and crap out a litter of kittens then to take sides between Ishy and Panda. He didn’t seem to get it as he gave me a picture of him as a young’un as he walked away.
So help me out. Comment on who you think was the cutest kit. This way I have no culpability as to the winner and losers, it’s all on you. Just don’t be surprised if two disgruntled foxes show up on your doorstep if you don’t vote for them.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - August 26, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact….ok you know what, let’s be honest here, there is no one else you can contact cause nobody else here can muster even an iota of the competence I exhibit on a daily basis. So if you need immediate help, you are up the proverbial creek without a paddle. I will be checking my messages but will be unlikely to respond unless your request has to do with the loss of life and/or limb. In the event of a zombie apocalypse I can be reached at my personal email.
ifyoubothervladduringhistimeoffhewillleavea💩onyourfrontporch@gmail.com.
In order to assist you in coping with my time “out-of-pocket” I have left some pictures of baby Ishy for your viewing pleasure.
Vlad out.
Fridays Chat w/Vlad - August 19, 2022
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it’s Vlad. I need your opinion. Do these two look up to no good??? Cause I think they do. They were also acting suspect. This is what I mean.
I got up this morning at 6 am. Breakfast is served at 6:30. The others were already outside so this allowed 30 minutes of me time. I used this time to go through my fan mail...shout out to Danny P… I hope your pet shih tzus, Duncan Butterbeans and Daisy Belle Fluffbottoms get well soon. I also recited my positive affirmations for the day. Canid Conservation is such a daunting task sometimes it’s hard not to get negative. I ended on my favorite and perhaps most relevant affirmation.. I won’t let idiots ruin my day today. With that I was ready to face the world. I didn’t get 2 steps towards the door before I tripped on Panda’s irresponsibly placed Crusty the clown 🤡 chew toy. I staggered forward and then ran into our water bowl. It was all downhill from there as I face planted into the bowl. This wouldn’t have been so bad except for the fact that Yuri had turned the water into his “special” lemonade on his way out the door. I got up and shook myself off. Still energized by my affirmations, I was determined not to let this ruin my day. If anyone asked why I smelled like urine I would just say it’s my new eau de toilette.
Once outside I saw the whole crew with the exception of Lena and Sasha on the far end of the enclosure. They were trying to entice a bird to fly into the pen. Sasha and Lena were on the other side of our habitat speaking in hushed tones. I walked by and said “ hi ladies”. They just stared at me. Now in their defense I was a bit disheveled and smelled of pee. I then asked, “ what are you vixens talking about”, again silence. Eventually Sasha chimed in and said, “ we are discussing if Penguins have knees. I know this was a lie. These two are not known for having deep thoughts. If they had said we are making fun of Laika cause she has chicken stuck between her front teeth, that I would believe. Also, everybody knows penguins have knees. So something is definitely rotten in Denmark..don’t you think?
Vlad out.